Slow Burn
by ShayAz
Summary: Song Fic - Slow Burn, Atreyu. May is in her room, sitting on the floor, succumbing to her depression. Pokemon. Minor AshXMay, Advanceshipping AaMayL.


Hey guys, this is a Song Fic revolving around a song written by Atreyu called Slow Burn. Not brilliant, but it's a first attempt at a song fic. This contains adult themes, such as mainly depression and self-mutilation. Such is the nature of the song. Don't read this if you enjoy things that are more along the lines of 'Sun-shiny-happy-land.'

Critical reviews are much appreciated. I love learning new things, and improving techniques about things I already know.

Thanks in advance.

**_Bold - Interpret for yourself_**

_'Single Quotation Marks' - Thoughts_

_"Double Quotations Marks" - Speech _

_**Slow Burn**_

* * *

_It begins with a dark glowing ember  
Something black burning it's way out of me  
Searing the flesh  
Pain is the only thing I feel  
Scars all I see._

* * *

_May felt it gripping her, pulling her into its cruel embrace._

_It turned her hollow, a shadow of her former self, empty inside, until the anguish and misery rose up within her. Her insides felt like they were on fire, the pain beginning to make itself apparent in her gut._

_May gazed around, watching her room. Her stuffed toys sitting on the chest of drawers, the felt mangy and ripped, fluff emergin through their cracks. Her bean bag slouched over in the corner of the room, stained and desolate. The bed, unmade and covered in junk and trash. Light entered the room through a small window coated in a film of grime, causing the light to turn grey._

_The room was plain, the room was depressed._

_May could relate._

* * *

_Oh no the fire's burning my insides again  
What can I do to silence my desire tonight?  
Flames consuming reason leaving only ashes left  
You will catch me regretting my decision._

* * *

_The gloomy light reflected off her arms. May looked over them. Scars shone against the darkness in the room. Small, clean incisions. Scattered along both her arms._

_May felt the desperate need to find something sharp. A razor, a knife, anything would do. She needs a distraction. Anything that can remove this pain burning within her._

_May got up and crossed the room, reaching the chest of drawers covered by her disgusting soft toys. She slid the bottom drawer from its slide and reached into the hollow space._

_Her fingers clenched around a small, metal object. She brought it out and began her handiwork._

_She bled, and the pain inside began to wane, quelled by the throbbing of her arms._

_May began to cry._

* * *

_I can't keep telling myself what I want to hear (What I want to hear)  
I can't just close my eyes_

* * *

_"I can stop it," she muttered between sobs, "I can make it stop."_

_"Can't I?"_

* * *

_I know that it's killing me  
And it's poisoning the best in me  
What I see I don't want to believe  
So let me tell you more  
Tell you more  
About the lies I lead._

* * *

_Rational thought finally returned to May. The sobbing didn't stop. Memories of her old self were too painful to remember._

_Just because she'd been happy in them._

_She was never happy anymore. The depression, it's a poison. It's destroying her good side. The joy, the laughter, the love._

_It was eating her away._

_"There's nothing wrong with me," was the new line between sobs. She repeated it endlessly, changing it that little bit each time._

_"I tell my friends there's nothing wrong with me."_

_"My parents haven't told me there's something wrong with me."_

_The sobbing didn't stop._

* * *

_That is how I chose to douse the flames in gasoline  
Broken teeth replace the blackout memories in my head  
Wreckage from the blast, it haunts me  
Shakes me to the bone (To the bone)  
I know it's over but I can't go home tonight_

* * *

_Each time May hit a low, the process repeated itself. Each time, she needed a distraction, to take her away from the pain she felt. Each time, she turned to the self mutilation she subjected herself to. But this just made things worse._

_The memories of her episodes haunted May, following her, destroying any self-confidence she had left. Gradually they were replacing her recollections of happier times, with Dawn, with Max, with her parents... with Ash._

_The time that had left the deepest mark was the first time, and the destruction it wreaked upon May's life. That memory was the worst, the most painful, and the most easily recalled. It stuck with her, never releasing those initial seeds of doubt that led to this level of depression._

_And the only place she felt comfortable was her room, the blood dripping onto the carpet from her arm. Even the trip out into the hallway created a powerful sense of paranoia in her, and she instantly was outside of her comfort zone._

_May felt like she couldn't reach out, not even to just outside of her room, to what was her home, with her family._

* * *

_But after this I feel as empty as the night before  
Feel the pain and yet I'm still begging for more  
Masochistic, nihilistic, urging backward thought  
My life's a mess and I can't find a way to fix it._

* * *

_May knew exactly how this worked. Soon, whether it be tomorrow, or in a week, she'd be back on this same spot, razor in hand, the blood dripping to the ground again._

_She was frightened, but she knew that there was nothing she could do about it. That's how she felt. The depression held on too tight, and she couldn't shake it. No matter how much it frightened her, she was drawn to it, like a moth to light._

_She felt addicted to the pain, like it was a high, like a high ecstasy. It took her away from her troubles, she felt full of life, even while it drained away._

_Then May would crash. She'd return to her senses. The pain would engulf her, and she'd regret it instantly. But she always knew that she wouldn't be able to stop herself going back. She couldn't change by herself._

* * *

_I can't keep telling myself what I want to hear  
I can't just close my eyes  
(Close my eyes, close my eyes)  
(My eyes, my eyes, my fucking eyes)._

* * *

_She used to tell herself she could change, she could stop the mutilation._

_But she knows that's a lie. May knows she can't stop it. And she wouldn't reach out, so no-one could help her._

_And she knew where she'd eventually end up if it continued._

_So she lied to herself. She said that everything would be all right. It would go away over time by itself._

* * *

_Calling  
Calling out  
The darkest reaches of my soul are riddled with self-doubt  
Crawling  
Crawling out  
My will to fight will more than suffice  
When others would down._

* * *

_May opened her mouth, and tried to call out. She'd cut too deep, and she realised too late. Her voice was scratchy and weak, and soft, much to soft to be heard from outside her room. Only now did she realise exactly how much she loved living._

_May thought as positively as she could, vying for optimism for a change._

_'Maybe it's not as bad as it seems,' _**_That's a lie. Depression was leaking up from inside her._**

_'Someone will know something is wrong,' _**_Stop lying to yourself, May. There it was again._**

_'I can make it though this by myself,' _**_You don't have the will power. All you can do is lie to yourself, time and time again._**

_For once, she knew the voice was right._

_She knew she was going to die. She had to do something, but it was out of her power._

_She heard a voice coming up from downstairs. It was male, and she knew who it belonged to the moment she heard it._

_There was still a chance._

_Inexplicably, she felt strength returning to her, as if the sound of the voice empowered her movements._

_Footsteps coming up the stairs._

_They were coming to her room._

_She found the strength to prop herself up against the bed and rest her arms on her legs, keeping the incisions facing upwards._

_The doorknob moved. It shook._

_It was then she realised the door was locked._

_Mortified, she tried to move closer to the door, to reach the lock, but it was all she could do to hold herself up._

_Drawing on her last reserves of saliva to wet her mouth and throat, and the last reserves of strength to force her mouth to move._

_"Help, me, Ash!" May's hoarse voice croaked. The doorknob stopped shaking. And suddenly a fist was pounding on the door._

_May collapsed to the ground, barely holding onto consciousness. There was shouting. Someone calling for help. Something hit the door powerfully, and the hinges moaned in protest._

_It hit again._

_And again._

_And the door broke away from the frame and fell to the floor inches from May._

_Arms gripped her tightly and a warm voice, a pained voice, resonated inches from her ears._

_"It's all right May, I'm here for you now."_

_The black engulfed her world._

* * *

_It's only as dark as you make it_

* * *

_There you have it. Slow Burn._

_Hope you enjoyed it, and hope it wasn't too weird for your tastes._

_REVIEW!!!  
REVIEW!!!  
REVIEW!!!_

Sorry about it being entirely in Italics. The Document Editor wouldn't work properly. It kept on turning the lower half of the story into Italics no matter what I did, so I just put the entire story in Italics. Sorry if it was annoying. Used the Screen Strikes to separate lyrics from story.


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